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Last updateFri, 19 Jan 2018 8am

How Mexico Might Fix NAFTA

Trade talks between the United States and Mexico resumed amid growing doubts about the likelihood of a successful conclusion to renegotiating the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA).

Some observers say there is a real possibility that a new NAFTA deal can be reached if Mexico offered some of the following incentives and concessions for Trump:

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Health Care Tourism. Automatic visas for certified Trump voters who have lost their health care insurance. In the case of a “wall,” cartel agents will provide special markings where the tunnels and ladders will be.

Indigenous Seeds. Mexico will increase exports of flax seeds, and other healthy Mexican staples like maringa, chia and aramantha seeds. Often sourced from the forest floor, they were made for a man with his foot in his mouth. More, importantly, studies have shown these seeds can actually improve hair growth, so that one doesn’t need to cover one’s head with something that looks like a toilet seat cozy.

Unfilled Cabinet and Government Posts. Mexico will ask U.S.-Mexican immigrants to help fill the many government positions left by weekly resigning employees. And at under minimum wage, so  that more money is available for Trump’s golf junkets. This will raise the quality of Trump’s advisory and help with renovations to the White House so it doesn’t look like the “White Trailer.”

Major Mexican import Concession. Mexico promises to accept Trump’s oversupply of snake oil.

Export Concession. Containers of Trump piñatas will go to Canada by sea in international waters so they are not nuked.

Mike Pence. Mexico will dedicate at its own cost a think-tank to try to find ways to make the vice president as cool and dashing a guy as Mitch McConnell.

Ivanka. Mexico will also keep a tariff-free open market for Ivanka’s shoes in favor of the Italian versions, which some say look suspiciously like Ivanka’s.

Trump’s TV Show. Mexico will begin streaming on their cable network Trump’s TV show: Orange is the New Black. (This, despite the fact that many insist Orange Could Never be the New Black.)

And to top off all these gifts and considerations, Mexico will gladly continue to send aid to Puerto Rico, the U.S. Territory Trump couldn’t quite locate.