Every year around this time I start to feel really bad and I don’t know why.
And every year, some reporter at a major magazine who wants to sound smart and cutting-edge explains that what I have is Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.), as if this piece of information is really smart and original, and as if this person is really smart and original. But let’s forget him for the moment, because he’s already getting on my nerves. S.A.D. or THE PITS (an advanced stage) is a real illness like bronchitis, only not as loud. Recent studies seem to show that the brains of people with S.A.D. actually shrink, which explains why test subjects couldn’t do simple math problems, and several went down one hat size.
Recently, medical studies have indicated that this condition is not just due to wintery weather (as that smarty I mentioned above might tell you). S.A.D. strikes even down here in Ajijic where the sun seems to smile perpetually on us like God on Xanax. It’s really from knowing that everybody will be having sensational holiday or Hanukkah parties but you. And they’re shoving it in your face on Facebook.
If you’re wondering if you have S.A.D., there’s an easy test you can do right now. Just answer “yes” or “no” to the following questions, and do not have any solid food for 12 hours, either before or after the test, whichever you like. Please begin.
Do you find the expression “Winter Wonderland” oxymoronic?
Do you feel bad about Rudolf, really bad – such that you wish harm would come to Prancer?
Do you harbor suspicions that the carolers at your door will return later to break in and steal your PIN numbers?
Do you feel a sense of hopelessness about the new year, because you know another iPhone is coming out?
Does the idea of suddenly receiving Ten Lords A Leaping evoke feelings of anxiety?
Do you find yourself pretending that Thanksgiving is all about family, when you know everyone gets together that one day so they don’t have to see each other for the rest of the year?
Do you often feel that Scrooge just needed to get out in the sun more?
Does the expression “Two Shopping Days ’til Christmas” fill you with thoughts of your own mortality?
Can’t get the tune of “Grandma got run over by a reindeer” out of your head, keeping you awake all night?
If you answered “yes” to just one of the above, cut back on some of your holiday drinking. If you answered “yes” to three or more of the above, consider doubling your holiday drinking. And if you answered “no” to all of those, you’re the kind of person who actually gifts and eats fruitcakes.
Merry and Happy Days ahead to all.