Last updateFri, 16 Oct 2020 1pm

Take two aspirins...

People at Lakeside are always talking about their physical complaints. But sometimes, if you hear somebody talking about soft tissue manipulation, lumbo-sacral massage, belly lifts, hormone therapy ... they’re just talking dirty.


Sometimes, it’s hard to figure out. Because medical science keeps finding new diseases. And the symptoms of these new diseases are all the same. Remember the common cold? Well, it’s not common anymore. It may not even be a cold. It could now be so many other things: the flu, rhinitis, asthma, bronchitis, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), pertussis, even roundworms. (Roundworms have the same symptoms as colds. Next time a cold hangs on, you might want to get to a vet).

In the magazines and on television, ads promoting the latest disease and its cure, always feature a grinning handsome model who’s taken the new drug and is obviously free of symptoms and he’s bicycling happily over an idyllic, suburban setting. What isn’t mentioned is the cost of these drugs and that the guy in the ad is riding a bicycle because he used to own a Mercedes.

Cost of meds today? 50-dollar pills that cure in three days – while test results show that placebos cure in four. Next time you get pneumonia, close your eyes and grab your Tic Tacs. Saves you 50 bucks.

What’s more, this new pill in the magazine ad reduces the risk of “stroke, aneurisms, acid reflux and swelling of the face and tumors of the elbow.”   Then the next page informs you that the side effects are “stroke, aneurisms, acid reflux, and swelling of the face and tumors of the elbow.”

And every drug ad now ends with: And if you plan to be sexually active, tell your doctor. Tell your doctor what? How far does that go? “Well, doctor, I like threesomes. And I can go a couple times a day.”

I’m sure it’s the doctors who put that notice in there. And if you’re a woman, to be safe, you might have to add, sorry, I don’t kiss on the first hip replacement. The other thing: Are all these meds pre-tested for extreme sexual activity. Is there some laboratory ... where they test this?  And how do you get that gig!                                                                                                

Now, you can get your genome read. Not only can they tell what you’re going to die of, but approximately when. So, you can arrange your Evite funeral invitations well in advance, and know who’s going to come and who’s going to slough you off. What if insurance companies get that information? Everybody will have a pre-existing condition. And you can be insured for everything except what’s going to kill you. The only way to deal with that is to submit your cat’s genome, and your pre-existing condition would be hairball fever. I worked with insurers. Trust me they’re not all bright.

Everybody deals with the health problems of aging differently. Everything I read gives me the impression that health dangers are everywhere. Every organ in the body has at least 20 disorders that you can get from the kitchen counter and ATM machine buttons.  Even shaking the hand of a friend. That’s why we now have the fist bump: “Sweetheart. You’ll always be my soulmate. Here, give me a big fist bump!”

Now take turtles. They live well past 100, some to 150. No meds or stents. They move about cautiously. I think we can learn from them. What I got was, never come out of your house.

And then there are people who turn to religion. They turn their lives over to Jesus. Not knocking it. If it works for them, who’s to criticize?  I tried turning my life over to Jesus. He turned me down. So, I’m back to vitamin supplements.

Remember when meds were once cheap? And You didn’t need to explain your sex life to take Bufferin, Aspirin, Pepto Bismol, Geritol, Serutans. “Serutans is Natures Spelled Backwards.”  What could possibly be wrong with something called Natures spelled backwards. It’s not around anymore. It was probably “rip-off” spelled forward.

Nobody had to spell marijuana backwards to get it on the market.