11132018Tue
Last updateFri, 09 Nov 2018 11am

The coming era of introversion

Kaspersky Lab,  a multinational cybersecurity and anti-virus provider, has reported that 72 percent of people in Mexico admitted using their device to pretend to be busy and as a distraction for people when they do not want to interact with others.

Now I knew there would eventually be a good reason to own an iPhone.

The vice president of Product Marketing at Kaspersky Lab, Dmitry Aleshin, said that dependence on devices impacts us in many more ways than expected. “There is no doubt that being connected by electronics makes our lives easier, but the devices are also vital to help people overcome ... undesirable social situations,” the expert concluded.

Nobody actually thinks about talking to anybody face to face anymore. Everything can be done via cyber networking. Go to Facebook, and you can party with your friends without ever being sneezed on.  So, this is good illness prevention.  Answer Twitter notes with a Smiley Face to let senders know you didn’t think what they just tweeted was really pointless.

The next step is to go to a restaurant with your laptop and skype a friend in England, take your laptop to a restaurant and have dinner with him or her. (Beware of the time difference or you’ll be eating while he or she is filling their hot water bottle.) Granted there’s no sharing of appetizers, but wow, what a great way to revive old friendships. And, there’s never any fuss about picking up the tab.  Now, I’m not recommending what you think, but dining the same evening with both your wife and your mistress is now possible without either being aware.  Because it is common these days for two people to be eating together and not talking to one another, so any multi-partner global dinner arrangement is possible. (Maybe even the future.) “Honey, are you enjoying the meal? Just nod, dear.” Again, I’m not giving anyone any ideas. I’m just speculating. And to be fair, this is by no means aimed at just Republicans.

It has long been the case that many marital problems are a result of communication problems. Solution: commune with your iPad or iPhone. And simply look up occasionally to recall where you are.

Another advantage of this self-containment: Avoiding showing up at a wedding or a funeral or a sixties dance blowout. For many, these are the equivalent of being kidnapped today. Even Evite does their inviting over the internet and tells you who’s going to be at the event, giving you a good reason to just call in your congratulations or condolences or “What a beautiful baby!” note.

So what are the social situations still intact? There’s the guy who delivers your pizza. And the folks who come to tell you about Judgment Day. Both of whom you can get rid of in two minutes. With no need to even speak, really. Plus, in the case of the religious visitors, an opportunity to get rid of a pocket full of centavos.

Finally, the survey also reveals that 31 percent of people perform tasks such as ordering a taxi or Uber or finding directions to places they might need to go through a Web site or an application, without ever interacting with another person.  And, of course, there are other helpful apps that can be used to avoid meeting with other living creatures, such as shopping apps, tutorials, podcasts, online poker, mindless games and (not making this up) a dating app for Trump supporters (yes, the ultimate safety app in your cyberbubble).

Kaspersky Lab is a Russian operation, so who the hell knows what they’re up to with this report. Encouraging cyber catatonia or delusions among Western culture, maybe. Fight back. Go and visit your aunt and connect in person with her cats.