01202019Sun
Last updateFri, 18 Jan 2019 11am

Sneaking across the border in record number

This week will be the one-year anniversary of the Trump administration’s first deportations of aliens crossing into the United States from Mexico. But these immigrants were neither Mexicans nor Hispanics.

Mysterious footage from last February shows “a fleet of UFOs” flying over the Mexico-U.S. border and suddenly disappearing. The UFO monitoring group Secureteam10m which gathers such videos worldwide, said, “The footage was captured on the Tijuana border and shows seven or eight shining objects that drew the attention of the customs and border officers on duty who were so enthralled by the flying objects they ditched their posts to watch and film the display” until the crafts vanished ... or were probably brought down to Area 51 because they were carrying more than three ounces of shampoo.

Border guards were questioned. Conservatives believe they came to abduct Americans for a physical examination in exchange for a free vacation to Saturn where they could buy timeshares overlooking liquid methane. Or that they were smuggling bootleg copies of a conservative favorite: “Leave It to Beaver.” Liberals say this all happened on a Wednesday and claim the spacecraft was simply looking for a Wednesday workday, because they don’t have Wednesdays on Saturn. They also believe the visitors were seeking sanctuary and turned away on trumped-up charges of refusing to declare that they visited a farm.  Who knows!

What we do know is that in 2017, according to Secureteam 10, there had been an uptick in these sightings of UFOs traveling north in our hemisphere, but quickly disappearing without a trace. What if these were super-intelligent aliens and they were refused entry into the United States based on a scurrilous attack on their planet hygiene?

It’s really all about austere and xenophobic border security. This, despite the hundreds of stories of humans being abducted by aliens, treated to a free trip around Alpha Centura with a free bag of pretzels, and being returned to their beds waking with their empty pretzel bag in hand. Some of the more liberal abductees remembered that the aliens in captured crafts had to walk down a thousand steps from their craft, because the “tele-transporter” that levitated and lowered them from the ship was disabled by border personnel and everybody who tried it was hurled into the Sea of Cortez.  Some were lost. Others swam to southern California, where no one noticed them walking along Santa Monica Boulevard.

Now, isn’t it possible that these aliens, while not from Norway, might have been able to provide us with important solutions to Earth’s problems? Who wouldn’t want to learn how to cure major diseases, stabilize global climate, abate violence, explain dark matter and learn how to get crumbs out of your keyboard. They might have had all the answers. They might also have been able to explain online app “terms and conditions.” In short, they could have changed our world for the better.

So far in 2018, there have been no UFO sightings. Except for the Advertising Air Dancer that slipped its mooring and sailed vertically into the sky last month, and people called in that aliens were flying around Baja California. (More actual news. Look it up.)

To wherever the aliens decide to emigrate, we’ll all be watching, especially the vigilant eyes of Secureteam 10 (celebrated in the movie “Men in Black”). For the United States I think we’re going to need a really, really high wall.