Last updateTue, 27 Jul 2021 2pm

What’s God talking about?

Easter 2021 is upon us. With the Christian canon still intact and God still making himself known to us through Covid-9 relief checks, we have to begin the process again of listening to all the things he’s trying to tell us.

And  since He often speaks metaphorically and mysteriously and has never gotten the knack for using smartphone apps, we need to become attentive to the signs He provides us. (Spoiler alert: That is not His image on those pancakes and seashells; possibly it is St. Christopher hoping to tell us he really does exist, but as the patron saint not of travel but of “all-inclusives.”)

I have listed some observations that may represent His attempts at communication:

Global warming is God’s way of saying, “Mars, the Sequel ... is coming.”

Leaf blower users are His way of having “stress tests to out neighbors who could be hiding thoughts of...”

Karoake, soon to be reprised I’m sure, is still God’s way of proposing that “some people need to remain real estate agents.”

Mortality is God’s confession that, “he likes to redecorate.”

White supremacists are His way of confessing that, “we have all descended from lower life forms.”

Assuring our political leaders always get the best health care options is God’s way of saying, “we must show compassion to the disabled.”

The miracle of the endless loaves and fishes was God’s way of saying, “The Italians are coming.”

Earthquakes are God’s way of saying, “Fix all potholes or I’ll dump you in one.”

His miracle of raising Lazarus from the dead is God’s way of advising us to “Always get really good catastrophic insurance.”

Trying to cross the Carretera is God’s way of saying, “You’ll need to get ready for the Olympics ... or the Paralympics. But you have my blessing.”

Floods of immigrants seeking asylum or employment today are God’s way of saying, “Epochs ago all people on Earth were undocumented immigrants.”

Signing 16 forms to get a Mexican bank account is God’s way of saying, “Hey, I’m just funnin’ with you.”

My reply to God is simple:  Help us out, here. It’s been thousands of years since thou has written anything. So we’re always trying to figure out what’s up. I’d even take some thoughts in ancient Hebrew or Canaanite or even ASCII, if that would help. I could get it translated, and, of course, edited for grammar.

Anyway, my offer stands for any new copy thou might have sitting around. We’ll run it right here in the Guadalajara Reporter.  Please keep in mind that I do charge a reading fee.