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Explaining the prostate exam

Medical science is constantly working on diagnostics that are non-invasive. But they haven’t yet gotten to my in-office prostate exam.

Anything that probes around down there through the back door is as invasive as a humongous tapeworm. When men get together, this is why they avoid prostate talk, in favor of sports statistics (Joe DiMaggio hit safely in 56 straight games, record’ll never be broken.) or (Just read that 20 percent of today’s Mongolian population are blood descendants of Genghis Khan. Talk about a stud!) or (Best burgers are at the new place right across from the Seniors’ Mobility Store.) Safe conversation topics between swollen-prostate trips to the washroom.

The prostate is a sure-shot for trouble. It hides in the worse possible place for an exam. Women of course haven’t a clue, because they don’t have a prostate. When organs were  handed out, women said, anything but that thing that swells up down there. “We’ll take Skene’s glands any day.” These glands are sometimes called “the female prostate.”  They are named after the Scottish gynecologist Alexander Skene, who discovered them right smack in the middle of the pre-x-ray Victorian era, when people debated whether females even had ankles.

During that time all a medical practitioner had were his or her hands to figure this stuff out. And these discoveries were almost always by accident. So what he was doing down there is anybody’s guess.

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