Half the email messages I get end with the words “sent from my iPhone.” Those messages are inevitably brief and besmirched with bizarre abbreviations and typographical errors.
I always imagine the sender “texting” me those few lines under harsh and hostile conditions, maybe bouncing along on the back of a camel or dodging bullets in some dangerous place like Washington, D.C. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I too, might one day be tapping out one of those funny little messages to my siblings while sitting in the parking lot of Pollo Pepe.
But it actually did happen and a few seconds later, back came a message from my brother: “Congratulations! Kicking and screaming, you have been transported into the 21st Century.”
Yes, I fear the Borg has won. I think I’ve been assimilated. I’ve gone from pencil sharpening to app tapping in one quick swipe.
Now that I’m a novice smartphone user, let me attempt to answer the question I’m sure is on your lips: what are these things good for, if anything?Well, I think if you ever do a bit of traveling, you will appreciate how useful it could be to carry all of the following (plus much more) literally in your pocket: an alarm clock, a telephone, an email program, a web browser, an ebook reader, a music box, a newspaper, magazines, radio stations, a camera (still and video), a compass, a GPS, a decibel meter, an audio recorder, a memo pad, movies, games, world maps, Google Earth, the BBC News … and if you’re a hiker, I have to admit that the darned thing will even show you how to get back to your car, in case you end up lost in the woods.
The iPhone I’m using is slick, but in my opinion, not intuitive for a curmudgeon over 70. A typical computer screen has icons and menus at the top and bottom, while a typical iPhone screen may have absolutely nothing anywhere. “What do I do? How do I work it?” you cry in terror. Well, you should not let a little obstacle like that slow you down, because there’s always a solution near at hand. Just follow these three Golden Rules for quick mastery of any sort of smartphone:
1. Find a kid (any age will do).
2. Don’t let the kid touch your phone.
3. Have the kid tell you what to do to solve your various problems.
Rule two is all important. If the kid ever gets his/her hands on your device, it will soon be speaking some strange language and making weird and possibly obnoxious noises. On top of that, you won’t remember a thing the kid told you about it.
Although this device is called a smartphone, it’s actually more like a toolbox, which you can fill with an astounding variety of programs referred to as “apps” in 21st Century jargon. There seem to be zillions of apps, many of which are free. If you want a map showing you where you are in real time, there are map apps. If you want to read a novel using a big, easy to see font, you got it. If you want to turn your device into a moog synthesizer, there’s no problem. Just tell the kid what you want the thing to do—but never let that gizmo out of your hands.
You could almost forget that these things are also telephones. In fact I spent several weeks using one which didn’t work as a phone because it had no SIM card in it. Finally, I went to Telcel thinking it would be a complicated business to activate the phone part of an iPhone. People had told me that I would need “a payment plan” and hinted that it could be expensive. After a seemingly interminable 45-minute wait in line (some things never change, even in the 21st century) I handed my old cell phone and the empty iPhone to a rep. “Is it possible to put that old SIM card into this iPhone?” I asked.
“Claro que sí,” she said and in five seconds she did it (I’m sure a kid could have done it in three). “OK, señor, it’s ready and you can continue paying the same way as you were doing before.”
“Like at my favorite Oxxo?”
“Sí, señor, and thanks for visiting Telcel.”
Finally, a word of caution. Apps that use the internet (like your email program) cost nothing to run while you are in a Wi-Fi zone, but anywhere else, your telephone signal automatically takes over, miraculously supplying you with internet … for which, of course, you must pay, and you might find yourself running out to the Oxxo all too often.
Solution? It’s easy: these things have a setting called “Airplane mode.” Turn it on and the iPhone no longer uses the telephone connection to do things. But there’s an even more effective solution: just turn the iPhone off. Yes, it does have an off button! A 21st century cool dude would die a thousand deaths at the very thought of walking around with a smartphone turned off most of the time, but, by Jove, it means you will own the phone instead of the phone owning you. Turn it on only when you want to and you won’t have to pay more than 50 pesos a month to the telephone company.
Eat your heart out, Borg – I haven’t been assimilated yet!