Unmarked topes (speed bumps) and baches (potholes) will soon be things of the past in Mexico, stated highly respected Senator Horacio Panduro in a press conference held at Los Pinos on December 28.
“I am pleased to announce that the state of Tabango has just received certification as Mexico’s first 100 percent BAST-free Zone,” stated the senator. “The number of accidents in that state has already been cut in half and tourism, especially automobile tourism, has tripled.”
The senator went on to explain that BAST stands for Baches and Surprise Topes, neither of which, according to him, will ever again catch the casual visitor to Tabango unawares. After the press conference, I caught up with Professor Oscar Trampas, one of Mexico’s leading topólogos (speed-bump experts). Knowing that topes and baches have long plagued travelers in the Republic, I asked the professor how the state of Tabango managed to free itself from those two menaces in one fell swoop.
“I can see, replied Prof. Trampas, “that you are merely a layman when it comes to this subject. Let me clarify one important point: these are not really two menaces but only one. You see, we experts have determined that a bache is merely the inverse of a tope. Whether concave or convex, both cause major problems to driver and vehicle alike.”The Professor went on to explain that in Mexico there are two major types of topes: legal topes and bootleg topes. “The legal ones,” he stated, are marked with stripes and signposted, but they are actually very rare and children are often given prizes during a long drive if they can manage to spot even one.”
As for bootleg topes, Professor Trampas estimated that there were 65 billion in Mexico in 2011. He went on to say that these come in many categories. “Among the more imaginative sort, we can find the Transfinalizers, which remove the transmission of the car in only one step, the Debootifiers, which cause the car’s trunk to fly open upon impact, and Lidflingers, where the door of the trunk is actually detached and sails through the air much like a Frisbee. Then there are Diablos Durmientes (Sleeping Devils) which are situated precisely inside the shadow of a tree which stretches across the road, and Lanzacohetes (Rocket Launchers) which are so cleverly shaped they actually help ground vehicles to achieve flight. As a foreigner, you may be interested to know that, at the present moment, the altitude record for tope-induced flight is held by a Canadian, one Ralph Kribbish of Jocótepec, Jalisco, who was launched into the air by the celebrated El Nefasto Tope near El Grullo, Jalisco, and cruised at 21 feet above ground level for a distance of nearly half a kilometer. The Certificado Americano de Conquista Aerea (CACA) was posthumously awarded to his widow.”
As for the manner in which the state of Tabango liberated its territory from the tope-bache menace, the Professor explained that step number one was the propagation of a state law holding the mayor of each municipio personally responsible for the presence of each and every bache or unmarked (illegal) tope inside his or her jurisdiction. “I should point out,” he pointed out, “that this law is not what made our project successful, but the punishment inflicted on officials who failed to comply. What we decided to do was to take our cue from the world of La Corrida (the bullfight): any mayor who fails to comply, loses an ear. You can’t believe how effective this system has been.”
Upon further questioning, I learned that a second transgression against this law results in the loss of the president’s other ear. Trampas added that further incidents required removal of other extremities, which he declined to enumerate, “but in no case has this ever been necessary.”
Professor Trampas went on to praise Senator Panduro, himself a former municipal president in the state of Tabango, but at that moment, this reporter was distracted from his note-taking. The Senator, who was on his way down from the podium, had stopped and turned his head … and I couldn’t help noticing that his right ear was missing.
Please note that this report is dated December 28, the Feast of the Holy Innocents, which, in Mexico, is equivalent to April Fools’ Day, celebrated in some other countries.